


i didn't mean any of it (i just got so lonely)

by transzoemurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Knife Metaphors, M/M, Referenced Suicide Attempt, im gay i do what i want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 02:10:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20734520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: Jared's kind of an asshole, but he doesn't mean it





	i didn't mean any of it (i just got so lonely)

**Author's Note:**

> i know ive written this exact fic like four times already but uhhh jared rights.

What people never understood was that Jared and Evan made fun of each other because it was fun. They never intended to make anyone feel bad. And when Jared went too far Evan generally told him, or just smacked him on the head, because 12 year old Jared thought that was the absolute height of comedy. And he was also constructing an overly intricate ritual to be touched by another man, but whatever. Heterosexuality 100.

For most of their life it had been fine. They'd joked around and cried on each others' shoulders and it had been fine.   
But once Jared tried to kill himself and didn't tell Evan, he started acting weird, which made Evan act weird too. And then two years later Evan tried to kill himself, and they started the Connor Project, and Evan shoved Jared aside for his new, perfect fucking family.   
Jared would have done anything to be with Evan. So when Evan started shoving him away, it hurt. Every moment Evan was mean to him was a serrated knife being jabbed into his stomach and every time Jared was mean back it was him trying to pull the knife back out. Which, of course, only made it worse, because the knife did just as much damage being pulled out.   
(It was because of, like, physics, or something; on account of being serrated, the knife would cut just as much skin going out as it did in. Jared may have been stupid, but he wasn't dumb.)  
It was like this:  
Jared's parents were very skilled when it came to shoving serrated blades into Jared's body.   
And every time Evan copied their actions, the blade came out, and made the problem twice as bad with nothing to stop the bleeding.   
Evan interrupted him; knife yanked out of his thigh.   
Evan ignored him; knife yanked out of his stomach.   
Evan left him for a girl he didn't even know when Jared had been right there for his whole goddamn life; knife yanked out of the heart.   
Evan's sarcasm became biting; knife yanked out of the neck.   
And it went on like that. Jared was covered in stab wounds. Writing emails with Evan became bandaids on said wounds, and Jared was bleeding out.   
But that day in the hallway when Evan started to say too much, Jared had two choices. Let Evan tear it out, letting everyone know that Jared had been hopelessly in love with Evan for years, letting Jared finally see that he would never be good enough for someone like Evan— Or to rip it out himself, calling Evan an asshole and bolting away with tears in his eyes.   
With nowhere else to pour his feelings, Jared turned to writing (and never sending) emails. It was therapeutic, in a way, and also just a way to lash out without hurting anyone. And it helped, for a while.   
But he couldn't keep walking around with blades in his body forever.

**Author's Note:**

> uhh i been on a roll w the knife metaphors bcus of my ex and long story short its v fitting. i wont say more here in case they read this but. :/ uh it doesn't rly matter anymore after the fic i just posted but. h   
follow mt tumblr @trans-zoe-murphy


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